Here is a little bit about me. I am a wife to an amazing man. I am a mother to three healthy children. I have a beautiful home, no money problems, no marital problems, no PHYSICAL health issues and I am a devoted follower of Christ. If depression could hit me; A sarcastic bubbly personality. Then it can hit anyone!
My journey through depression is a little different. I have always suffered from anxiety. Even as a child I was insanely anxious. I guess its how I was made and in my belief, God makes no mistakes. After getting married and moving across country I developed panic disorder. The definition is "A physiatric disorder in which debilitating anxiety and fear arise frequently and without any cause". I can go months without having an attack but if stress arises, the attacks start. Which hinder me from even doing simple tasks like driving. I get an overwhelming fear and there is no reason why. I become numb and cold and paralyzed with fear.
I was put of different medications to control these. My doctors informed me that since I have always struggled, I have a serotonin imbalance. About two years ago the medication I had currently been on stopped working. I had built up a tolerance I guess you could say and my doctor decided to switch things up. I was weaned off normally and was waiting for my new prescription. Dark thoughts over came me. I was scared and didn't understand what was happening. My husband and I had always been so open with each other so we sat down and talked. I poured out my feelings to him. I started my new medicine but things like that have to take time to work.
There was a day in particular that I had had enough. I wanted to take my life. I had awful thoughts of how much better my family would be without me. In my mind(I was sick) I honestly thought EVERYONE would be better without having me around. That my husband deserved a wife that could function like a normal human being. That my children needed a mother who could be everything they needed.
I remember crying out to God. Asking for him to save me. There was a lot of tears and sobbing and screaming. I finally sat still and gave up. I let the Lords love overtake me. I stopped fighting and listened. I had this twinge of hope and I had a sudden urge to open my bible. Here are a few passages I looked through.
Romans 5:8, Psalm 147:3, Acts 18:9, and my favorite Exodus 14:14.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."
The days following those dark thoughts were a real struggle but I overcame it. I still struggle with bouts of depression and I am still living with panic disorder. Even though I didn't attempt suicide the thoughts were real and the choice was right in front of me. I used to think that people who committed suicide were selfish and cowards. You know what? They are far from that. After living through that depression I realized exactly how much pain a person goes through. Your thoughts are skewed your perception of reality is lost for a while. You honestly believe your family, friends and loved ones would be better off without you. It is not just sadness it is so much more dark than that. Let me tell you though. YOU are important and loved. These feeling will pass and you need to be strong a little longer. It breaks my heart when I hear of someone committing suicide. I know that feeling of being lost and it hurts to know that they had been swallowed by despair and that their only way to feel better was to end their life. If my story can help just one person, then it was worth sharing.
If you or someone you love is having thoughts of self harm, please remember you are the only one who can tell your story. You are loved. Reach out for help. I am always here to talk if you need me.
There are several websites you can visit but I like www.nami.org
There are a few hotlines if you or someone you love is suicidal- 1 800 273 TALK(8255) or you can anonymously text 741741 if that makes you more comfortable.
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