The Random Taps

Oh my, I do not even now where to begin. As all of you know, I suffer from chronic panic attacks. I see a therapist to help me cope with them and I also take daily medication to keep them under control. Which makes me laugh a little because a side effect on almost all anti-depressants is "anxiety". Really? Really.

 I have gotten so much better with my attacks. I used to not be able to attend church functions. And know I'm at church anytime the door is open. I used to sit in the parking lot of stores and cry because I was too scared to get out. My thought process was "what if I panic?" ,"people will judge me", "Ill look like a fool", "You are an idiot" "pull yourself together" ETC...ETC.... And that my friends is how you spiral out of control. Negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself.

Most days, I am totally fine. I can function like a "NORMAL" person. I can taxi my kids around, I can go grocery shopping, I can take my kids out to a restaurant or the zoo or park. You know, normal stuff.

But then there are days like today. My middle daughter, Hannah, has her homecoming parade. She is so excited and I am so excited to see her riding on a float for the first time. BUT here is where my panic disorder comes and taps me on the should. Reminding me how many people will be there. How congested the traffic will be. Lots of people there to see you totally loose your mind. To see this ugly dark secret you try to hide.

Ive been praying for a week about how to handle this. Do I push through and take her? Do I ask for help and have a family member bring her? I broke last night and asked my husband to take her. He said no, and I immediately because agitated and angry. I soon realized I wasn't angry with him. I was angry with myself. I know I can do this. But that dark cloud likes to hover and tell me that I cannot.

My therapist gave me some steps to follow, some breathing exercises. I have my medicine. I logically have all the tools I need to get through a panic attack. But I think what most do not realize is that for me to completely calm down. I need quite. I haven't mastered this yet. Im still learning how to control my attacks.  It takes me a long time to breath and calm myself down from an attack. When you have kids that need to be a certain place at a certain time, you can't just stop in a parking lot with your car loaded with kids and turn around and say "Okay, mommy is freaking out. I have to sit here and cry like a crazy woman and breath like I'm having an asthma attack. Now y'all just be quite and sit until I'm done." NO! thats not reality!!! That never happens!!! I get the "Im going to be late" "Seriously mama?!" "Why are you crying?". Then there comes the fighting. How am I suppose to do deep breathing and go to my "special place" when all I hear is "I'm going to be late." or "Caleb won't stop looking at me" or my favorite, Caleb making rock-n-roll noises...or any noise for that matter. Like I said, I haven't mastered the art of completely zoning my kids out. Especially when I'm in a panic. Every sense in my body and mind is heightened. I get tingles and cold sweats. I feel like I'm going to pass out.

Its hard for me. It may not be a big deal to people. Some will tell me to suck it up. Or pull myself together. Well, I'm a fallible human being. Im not perfect. I may be good at baking and cooking and have a nice sense of humor but this is my thorn. I have to live with it. It is debilitating and annoying and I wish I could take it off like a jacket and toss it in the trash. I cannot though. It is part of who I am and as much as I hate it. I have to deal with it EVERYDAY.

So, today is a bad day for me. And in actuality, the day has only begun. I wish I was more of an optimist but I'm a realist. I know how this is going to go.....I deal with it all the time. same outcome, every time.

I hate these random taps. Its like a monster letting you know that you haven't escaped its grasped, no matter how much better you have been. Its always there. Waiting to remind you.....